The Christmas Crypto Song
On the First Day of Christmas, my true love sent to me
A book on cryptozoo-ology.
Well, that's very appropriate. Mustn't grumble.
On the Second Day of Christmas, my true love sent to me
Two Bigfoot
And a book on cryptozoo-ology.
I don't know about this. What am I supposed to do with them? I;ll put them in the spare room with Aunt Hortensia.
On the Third Day of Christmas, my true love sent to me
Three Chupacabras
Two Bigfoot
And a book on cryptozoo-ology.
These are a bit much. They're the Puerto Rican reptile kind. I'll have to stick them in with the Bigfoot. Aunt Hortensia has left the house.
On the Fourth Day of Christmas, my true love sent to me
Four Sea Serpents,
Three Chupacabras,
Two Bigfoot
And a book on cryptozoo-ology.
Where am I supposed to put them? They're long and wriggly. I suppose they'll have to go into the bath. What'll I feed them on? Ah, here comes Richard Freeman. I'll chuck him in with them.
On the Fifth Day of Christmas, my true love sent to me
Five Junjudees,
Four Sea Serpents,
Three Chupacabras,
Two Bigfoot
And a book on cryptozoo-ology.
These aren;t too bad, but they;ve never been house-trained. Meanwhile the Cupacabras are fighting with he Bigfoot. They're tearing lumps out of each other and Aunt Hortensia's bed looks a shambles. One of the Sea Serpents is homesick and wails all night. Those blooming Junjudees have done something terribly unwholesome on the hall carpet. I wonder what's the best type of carpet cleaner/
On the Sixth Day of Christmas, my true love sent to me
Six Kongomatos,
Five Junjudees,
Four Sea Serpents,
Three Chupacabras,
Two Bigfoot
And a book on cryptozoo-ology.
This is the last straw. These things seem to be pterosaurs of some kind. They're flying all around the house and are defecating everywhere. One of the Bigfoot is trying to eliminate the Chupacabras with a blow torch it has picked up and apparently knows how to use. One Kongomato is perched upon a bust of Pallas above my chamber door.
On the Seventh Day of Christmas, my true love sent to me
Seven relict Quagga,
Six Kongomatos,
Five Junjudees,
Four Sea Serpents,
Three Chupacabras,
Two Bigfoot
And a book on cryptozoo-ology.
Quagga look bigger in real life than they do in pictures. Nevertheless, I'll stuff 'em in the broom cupboard/ Boy, can they kick.
On the Eighth Day of Christmas, my true love sent to me
Eight Dover Demons,
Seven relict Quagga,
Six Kongomatos,
Five Junjudees,
Four Sea Serpents,
Three Chupacabras,
Two Bigfoot
And a book on cryptozoo-ology.
These things look harmless enough, but they keep emitting bolts of electricity. One's just hit a kongomato flying overhead. It burnt off one of its dactyls, so it fell to earth in a disgruntled heap. Another bolt of lightning from the Dover Demon has set fire to the wallpaper, but the Junjudees are putting out the flames in what might be called a urinary manner.
On the Ninth Day of Christmas, my true love sent to me
Nine Phantom Panthers,
Eight Dover Demons,
Seven relict Quagga,
Six Kongamatoes,
Five Junjudees,
Four Sea Serpents,
Three Chupacabras,
Two Bigfoot
And a book on cryptozoo-ology.
These Phantom Panthers have nothing phantasmal about them. Their teeth are solid enough, as I discovered to my distress. Still. I suppose I can get by on one leg. The Chupacabras were trying to suck the injured Kongomato;s blood, but hadn;t reckoned on its fangs. The new carpet gives testimony to the fact that female Bigfoot have periods.
On the Tenth Day of Christmas, my true love sent to me
Ten Jersey Devils,
Nine Phantom Panthers,
Eight Dover Demons,
Seven relict Quagga,
Six Kongamatos,
Five Junjudees,
Four Sea Serpents,
Three Chupacabras,
Two Bigfoot
And a book on cryptozoo-ology.
The Sea Serpents, having devoured Richard Freeman, are still hungry. I'll invite Jonathan Downes over for dinner. The Jersey Devils have flown into the electric meter and the house is plunged into darkness. One of the quaggas is giving birth in the broom cupboard and the Chupacabra have waylaid a visitor and sucked his blood.
On the Eleventh Day of Christmas my truelove sent to me
Eleven Mokele-Mbembe,
Ten Jersey Devils,
Nine Phantom Panthers,
Eight Dover Demons,
Seven relict Quagga,
Six Kongamatos,
Five Junjudees,
Four Sea Serpents,
Three Chupacabra,
Two Bigfoot
And a book on cryptozoo-ology.
This is the final straw. Those Mokele-Mbembe things are BIG. Coming in they burst through the doors, reduced the stairs to matchwood, knocked down most of the walls, burst through the floors and then showed surprise when the roof fell in on their heads.
On the Twelfth Day of Christmas
I CANCELLED ALL DELIVERIES!
No comments:
Post a Comment